I handed in my resignation this afternoon…after a month filled with doubt, tears and confusion. When I decided thatÂ leaving Sydney to go home for now was the best decision for me, I contemplated all of the possible reasons that I was making a mistake; a good job, an amazing city and even better people that continuously build me up and make me happy. So… ‘why leave?’ as so many friends, that have turned into family continuously ask. There’s not a solid answer to the Â value proposition of leavingÂ in Sydney…simply put. Sydney will always be a home to me and when I leave, I assume that I’ll leave a piece of myself here, as well.
When I left Prague after 6 months…I was sad to leave. But I was more excited of the adventures in front of me. Right now…I’m sad and scared and confused. I’m scared that I’ll miss Sydney when I go home and want to come back. And I’m scared that making this adventure will leave a mark on me that will disable my ability to ever be completely satisfied in where I am. I don’t want to leave my friends here and the relationships that I’ve built but I also don’t want to stay away from the people I love at home. I’m confused and scared and assume that I will be for some time.
I’m scared out of my mind thinking of the ‘what if’s’? What if Trump is elected president and what if I can’t find a good job. What if I can’t find good coffee and what if I’m not as happy at home as I imagine that I will be. But growing up in a generation of, “I wish I was you” and “I wish I had your life” that so often surfaces my thoughts and consumes the thoughts of my generation scrolling thru the lives of the international elite on Instagram…I can only strive to be my best self. To be happy where I am and to do and live a life that makes me just that. I’m scared to leave Sydney. I’m scared out of my mind to make the next step but assume that many are.
But maybe being scared isn’t a bad thing. Maybe it will drive me to find my place and my happiness and my best me. It’s all that I can do for now…let my fear drive whatever emotion I’m feeling until I find what’s best.